Home and Away

Wow.  Two months to the day.  I would love to make all kinds of notations and give so many anecdotes, but that would be cruel of me to do.  When time flies as it has the past two months, telling each story at once (even if I did let them all publish at appropriate, separate times) would take away from their value.  They’re no longer immediate.  Half the details and emotional echoes are gone.  I wouldn’t do that to any story, memory, friend, or whatever else.

I will say though, that I just got back from an amazing two days of orienatation.  I will admit, I went in only thinking, “Gah, I only want to register and be done, why all this?“  But I turned out being one the most active people there.  I think I got more pumped up than almost anyone else.  That’s the way I work I suppose, soaking up all the energy and letting it go wild.  It’s funny, since I came back to check my email at home only to find that I had already gotten several friend requests from people I had met, even if we only had one short practically meaningless conversation shorter than this paragraph.

It was really odd, and then more kept coming as other got home.  I suppose my name would be easy to find – it’s unique for the most part (where I live anyway).  It kept me on my happy ways.  I love it, I honestly do.  Of course, coming home, I’m suddenly hit with the presence of my mother.  My mother, who is also suddenly hit with my returning presence.

It hits us – I’m leaving, quasi-indefinitely.  Talk about emotional backlash.

“I may never see you again.”  Which is probably an exaggeration, since she’s my mom, and I’m her oldest and closest son.  But, it holds a very important, vital, heart-pausing idea – we don’t know what the future holds and whether I’ll see her again every week, every month, or just every semester – for a day.  I won’t even try to man up or whatever else – it’s a very big, life-changing thing.  My only consolation is that I do lead my own life, and I can drop it all if I really want to.  I can just stay, be with family and good childhood friends, and be happy – that is totally a possibility.

And besides, it’s nice to go out and at least get my feet wet.  Nothing tried, nothing earned.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I am going to say now that this is both related to the previous post, and not related. I hope you understand after you’ve read.

It has occured to me that the depth of my emotional awareness and understanding is also the source of my emotional anguish.  Not to say that I’m depressed or “emo” or anyting like that.  It is simply that I have a greater understanding of emotional pain of others whilst juxtaposed to my own elation.

For example, someone who I really don’t like and bothers me constantly consciously and otherwise has been “put in their place” as it were.  On the one hand, in that dark not-s0-little corner where my vindictiveness survives, I am pleased to see some kind of justice dealt out to that asshole.  On the other hand, I’ll feel sorry for the person; who likes being “put in their place”?

Mm… better context: teacher you don’t like who seems to have in for you getting fired.  Happy that the teacher’s gone; sorry for them because what are they going to do now?

It’s hard to reconcile, but I know that people aren’t perfect; we have flaws.  That’s why we make mistakes.  To me though, mistakes were meant to be made so we could learn.  The consequences were just deterents.  Unless of course it’s just someone who really doesn’t care, regardless of the consequences.

Even so, I feel sorry for people, even if they are “getting what they deserve” or however else you want to put it.  Such a big heart, but one so so sensitive.  Hahah, a blessing-curse indeed.

It’s nice to be aware, but it’s also… a conflict.  A constant conflict-resolution in the heart.  But I guess, that’s what empathic people have to deal with.

Rehab (or Reconditioning)

It has come to my attention, especially with certain grades and a most recent… failing of personal skill, that I am due for some “reconditioning” as it were. Retrain myself, basically. Things that used to be natural to me are now long abandoned habits, misplaced traits. I think it’s time I recovered them, for my own sake. My drive, but to keep it going the whole way through. The good time management that I just had. Lost, but not gone.

Timing is off so much now with me. It’s cost me quite a bit – blows to my pride, my intelligence, my integrity. But I’m through with it. Time for that has run out, ran out long ago. As of today, I am no longer going to just sit there. Still a procrastinator and probably sloppy and managing my time, sure – but no longer like before; always getting better from this point forward. I am not going to leave highschool worse than I entered. That would be so sad, pathetic – despicable. I refuse to do so.

As soon as I post this, I have a math packet, an essay, and more than a bit of research for 3 different subjects all waiting for me. And I refuse to make them last minute like I would have.  The clock stopped waiting, but I catch up now.

Ties of Blood

flip the coin and watch it fall;
see which side your name will call;
now the question: do you’ve the gall?

•´ ¨ )
¸.• ´ ¸.•´ ¨ )¸.•´ ¨ )
( ¸ .•´( ¸ .•´

New blood and Old blood, so much blood. Why the emphasis? All it is is blood. It no more carries history than you let it; powerful only for those who gave it power. All it is, is blood. It holds perhaps a piece of your fate, but it only writes as much as it’s allowed. Leave behind the ties of blood.

Instead, forge new ties of life. It is your life you live, isn’t it?

Let’s make something of our opportunity.

Subtext

–n. the underlying or implicit meaning, as of a literary work.

Now to some people, the best (and only) example would be innuendo. But, subtext is not quite so obvious. In our everyday lives, I’ve noticed, subtext is more of a subconscious thing that happens to play out one way or another consciously. Sticking with the innuendo example, why is it that we approach people and become friends with them? Why do we more readily talk to some, and not others?

It’s a brief attraction, and that attraction, consciously or not, grows the more the relationship continues and grows. It’s what drops that barrier when acquaintances become more familiar – friends; when friends cross that line and become comfortable and willing to embrace eachother, or something of similar intimacy. It’s an odd line that many, unknowingly, toe in their subconscious at every stage. Some stay on that line or even fall back.

And I do see it. How awkward was that last hug? Did the distance seem odd? Did the intimacy or lack thereof? How much do you really like this person, and in what way? Not that you should ask these questions everytime you give/get a hug. It’s just something to think about. Some best friends have a super heaping of untouched (and unnoticed) sexual subtext, while others have a much more sedate and familial intimacy. Some even have a mix – siblings themselves sometimes do.

Now I’m not trying to say, “OMG, WE’RE ALL FREAKS AND WANT TO SCREW EACHOTHER,” no. What I’m saying, is that it’s just a basic component of relationships. So, stop being awkward and share!

C’mon, I’m a people watcher! Subtleties tend to be a focal point nowadays.