Home and Away

Wow.  Two months to the day.  I would love to make all kinds of notations and give so many anecdotes, but that would be cruel of me to do.  When time flies as it has the past two months, telling each story at once (even if I did let them all publish at appropriate, separate times) would take away from their value.  They’re no longer immediate.  Half the details and emotional echoes are gone.  I wouldn’t do that to any story, memory, friend, or whatever else.

I will say though, that I just got back from an amazing two days of orienatation.  I will admit, I went in only thinking, “Gah, I only want to register and be done, why all this?“  But I turned out being one the most active people there.  I think I got more pumped up than almost anyone else.  That’s the way I work I suppose, soaking up all the energy and letting it go wild.  It’s funny, since I came back to check my email at home only to find that I had already gotten several friend requests from people I had met, even if we only had one short practically meaningless conversation shorter than this paragraph.

It was really odd, and then more kept coming as other got home.  I suppose my name would be easy to find – it’s unique for the most part (where I live anyway).  It kept me on my happy ways.  I love it, I honestly do.  Of course, coming home, I’m suddenly hit with the presence of my mother.  My mother, who is also suddenly hit with my returning presence.

It hits us – I’m leaving, quasi-indefinitely.  Talk about emotional backlash.

“I may never see you again.”  Which is probably an exaggeration, since she’s my mom, and I’m her oldest and closest son.  But, it holds a very important, vital, heart-pausing idea – we don’t know what the future holds and whether I’ll see her again every week, every month, or just every semester – for a day.  I won’t even try to man up or whatever else – it’s a very big, life-changing thing.  My only consolation is that I do lead my own life, and I can drop it all if I really want to.  I can just stay, be with family and good childhood friends, and be happy – that is totally a possibility.

And besides, it’s nice to go out and at least get my feet wet.  Nothing tried, nothing earned.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

I am going to say now that this is both related to the previous post, and not related. I hope you understand after you’ve read.

It has occured to me that the depth of my emotional awareness and understanding is also the source of my emotional anguish.  Not to say that I’m depressed or “emo” or anyting like that.  It is simply that I have a greater understanding of emotional pain of others whilst juxtaposed to my own elation.

For example, someone who I really don’t like and bothers me constantly consciously and otherwise has been “put in their place” as it were.  On the one hand, in that dark not-s0-little corner where my vindictiveness survives, I am pleased to see some kind of justice dealt out to that asshole.  On the other hand, I’ll feel sorry for the person; who likes being “put in their place”?

Mm… better context: teacher you don’t like who seems to have in for you getting fired.  Happy that the teacher’s gone; sorry for them because what are they going to do now?

It’s hard to reconcile, but I know that people aren’t perfect; we have flaws.  That’s why we make mistakes.  To me though, mistakes were meant to be made so we could learn.  The consequences were just deterents.  Unless of course it’s just someone who really doesn’t care, regardless of the consequences.

Even so, I feel sorry for people, even if they are “getting what they deserve” or however else you want to put it.  Such a big heart, but one so so sensitive.  Hahah, a blessing-curse indeed.

It’s nice to be aware, but it’s also… a conflict.  A constant conflict-resolution in the heart.  But I guess, that’s what empathic people have to deal with.

Not weather dyslexic (for once)

So the past week had some crazy shit weather, with it raining/storming today. Usually, I’m okay with that because I check before I go to sleep and again when I wake up. Every day. Now that – that hasn’t changed. I can still handle the chaos that is crazy Texas Weather.

What does bother me is why I nearly broke down 3 times this week; why I was my normal self and then suddenly hit with the urge to just cry. What bothers me is that I, Lamson the Tearless, was moved to tears.

Alright, so I’ll admit it. There was a fourth time, and I did break down. I guess my sentimentality went overboard this once. I mean, really, it was just a shell ring that only fit my left ring finger exactly. Oh, but it was so much more. For one, I chose it myself. another, it was the only one. then of course, there was the fact it was my only link – a very important one, mind you.

I don’t remember any other trip to Vietnam that didn’t have an ulterior motive to visiting the family.

I don’t remember any other trip where I had so much FUN.

I don’t remember any other trip where I actually DID something.

I dont’ have any reminders of any others anyway. Only this one, this one simple band of calcium carbonate with pretty colors. It was my only reminder, and so happily of my favorite trip.

But hey, maybe I’m dramatizing. All I know is I can still feel it shatter around my finger; I can still feel it laying in three pieces in my palm as I blurrily stared; I can still hear my mother wondering why I’m not helping her.

So yea, it happened, I cried, things were left broken. Then of course the next day there was Vietnam War video. Usually okay with those; I’ve seen, heard, and read more moving things. But it was different that day. Maybe because I finally realized that it really was my legacy; my parents’ legacy. That more than anything probably brought it too close to home. Two hits in less than 24 hours. That must be a record for me.

Oh, so I may seem emotional to the point of being unmanly. Does it look like I give a damn? Personally, I take it as a compliment that I’m considered so emotionally aware. Most guys aren’t – that’s why they’re stupid. But whatever; I handle things with constant catharsis.

Besides, I matched the weather for once.

Can’t you Hear it?

It’s so loud, and sharp.  How can you not hear it?  Like an unnatural wail that forcefully echoes inside you while hundreds of mental needles stab away in unison, in succession.

It’s so insane, yet only an echo of the pain out there that reaches here.  Yet no one does anything. Is it really so easy to ignore?  Does no one else hearfeelsee it?

I suppose this is what happens to empaths during times like this.  The whole world ready to either go up in smoke or smooth away into something like paradise; a precipice of seeming chaos. I t’s so horrible, yet no one else I know seems to care or realize, making it all the harder to convey the need that I feel to do something.

Somehow, people just pass by, as if nothing is wrong.  A world with so much foolishness spread so equally, yet just as much wisdom spread among so few.  I wish the rest would listen. But wishes mean nothing without effort; so how to make them listen?  If only I could mind meld, that would have been the most amazing thing I could’ve ever shared with anybody.  Shame that’s all in the realm of fantasy.

To another day, hearing the world scream and watching people walk away. To another day, watching the lights flit about with no increasing rates of progress. Perhaps they’ll all leave; I will go with them. Why else would I stay here?

Hmm… there goes my rambling.  But my point, buried under all of that, is that life sucks but the world won’t listen to those doing something to change that.  No one can keep trying forever; everything has a limit.  When that limit is reached, I’m leaving for greener pastures and leaving the rest to their ignorance.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughful, committed, citizens can change the world.  Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”  -Margaret Mead

It’s a shame that nobody seems to be listening.

Coup d’Etat? Hardly; too blind

I have come to realize that a lot of adventure/action films for kids have a theme of coup d’etat. Granted, the bad guy in charge is pretty bad, but lines are not so clear cut in life. It makes me wonder, since I live in the US – pro-democracy and anti-socialist among other dichotomies, whether or not revolution is encouraged or not. I suppose it is illustrated to mean that under oppression, we should stand up for ourselves; that when those in charge are failing, we step in and set things right.

I like to think of movies like Robots as having good family-movie value, but that idea of staging a coup for the betterment of all – it sounds like the Socialist Revolutions of the early 20th century. I understand the need for equality, I really do. I would love to have that system; Utopian and community-minded. But this nags at me, since I live in what is most definitely an anti-socialist country, and a fairly radical one when it comes to the blend of conservatives and liberals in the government house. It nags at me because this county was founded in a revolution, and has grown and stayed influential through constant internal revolution.

This is true. That is historical fact. But the point, ladies and gentlemen, is that history and ideology has slipped from the minds of the public in this country. People who don’t even understand something as simply yet profound as the national flag. Perhaps not in detail, but I do believe not understanding the point of the flag design is a great shame, to the country and the individual. WE take pride in ourselves, yet we don’t even know what we’re proud of.

It makes me wonder… the wealth of ideas and influences are everywhere, yet nothing but finger pointing – sometimes in the wrong way, I might add – has been done. Perhaps there is a reason why intellectuals seclude themselves.