Two Sides of the Same Coin

I am going to say now that this is both related to the previous post, and not related. I hope you understand after you’ve read.

It has occured to me that the depth of my emotional awareness and understanding is also the source of my emotional anguish.  Not to say that I’m depressed or “emo” or anyting like that.  It is simply that I have a greater understanding of emotional pain of others whilst juxtaposed to my own elation.

For example, someone who I really don’t like and bothers me constantly consciously and otherwise has been “put in their place” as it were.  On the one hand, in that dark not-s0-little corner where my vindictiveness survives, I am pleased to see some kind of justice dealt out to that asshole.  On the other hand, I’ll feel sorry for the person; who likes being “put in their place”?

Mm… better context: teacher you don’t like who seems to have in for you getting fired.  Happy that the teacher’s gone; sorry for them because what are they going to do now?

It’s hard to reconcile, but I know that people aren’t perfect; we have flaws.  That’s why we make mistakes.  To me though, mistakes were meant to be made so we could learn.  The consequences were just deterents.  Unless of course it’s just someone who really doesn’t care, regardless of the consequences.

Even so, I feel sorry for people, even if they are “getting what they deserve” or however else you want to put it.  Such a big heart, but one so so sensitive.  Hahah, a blessing-curse indeed.

It’s nice to be aware, but it’s also… a conflict.  A constant conflict-resolution in the heart.  But I guess, that’s what empathic people have to deal with.

Not weather dyslexic (for once)

So the past week had some crazy shit weather, with it raining/storming today. Usually, I’m okay with that because I check before I go to sleep and again when I wake up. Every day. Now that – that hasn’t changed. I can still handle the chaos that is crazy Texas Weather.

What does bother me is why I nearly broke down 3 times this week; why I was my normal self and then suddenly hit with the urge to just cry. What bothers me is that I, Lamson the Tearless, was moved to tears.

Alright, so I’ll admit it. There was a fourth time, and I did break down. I guess my sentimentality went overboard this once. I mean, really, it was just a shell ring that only fit my left ring finger exactly. Oh, but it was so much more. For one, I chose it myself. another, it was the only one. then of course, there was the fact it was my only link – a very important one, mind you.

I don’t remember any other trip to Vietnam that didn’t have an ulterior motive to visiting the family.

I don’t remember any other trip where I had so much FUN.

I don’t remember any other trip where I actually DID something.

I dont’ have any reminders of any others anyway. Only this one, this one simple band of calcium carbonate with pretty colors. It was my only reminder, and so happily of my favorite trip.

But hey, maybe I’m dramatizing. All I know is I can still feel it shatter around my finger; I can still feel it laying in three pieces in my palm as I blurrily stared; I can still hear my mother wondering why I’m not helping her.

So yea, it happened, I cried, things were left broken. Then of course the next day there was Vietnam War video. Usually okay with those; I’ve seen, heard, and read more moving things. But it was different that day. Maybe because I finally realized that it really was my legacy; my parents’ legacy. That more than anything probably brought it too close to home. Two hits in less than 24 hours. That must be a record for me.

Oh, so I may seem emotional to the point of being unmanly. Does it look like I give a damn? Personally, I take it as a compliment that I’m considered so emotionally aware. Most guys aren’t – that’s why they’re stupid. But whatever; I handle things with constant catharsis.

Besides, I matched the weather for once.